


Zero-Sum Games

by ashkatom



Series: 100 Post Ficathon [6]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2012-07-04
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashkatom/pseuds/ashkatom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perhaps the stupidest words you have ever uttered are, “I think we should have thome fun together,” to Redglare.</p>
<p>You're having fun, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zero-Sum Games

You’re not the only one who has trouble burning off all their energy sometimes. Mindfang starts scheming whenever she gets bored, and while you can appreciate a dangerous lady in the midst of all her scheming, you prefer to appreciate it from afar. Suf currently wants to punch you in the face and has taken over Lake Seadweller, Disciple and Dolorosa are definite no-go zones, Summoner’s too cool for you, and that leaves Redglare.

You sit next to her and throw an arm along the back of the couch. She looks up at you and quirks an eyebrow.

“I think we should have thome fun together,” you inform her.

She takes your face in both hands and licks a long line from the bottom of your chin to your forehead, then gets up and saunters away, skirt tails swaying with her steps.

Round 1 to Redglare.

\--

\-- guiltlessCustodian [GC] has started trolling twofoldAbolitionist [TA] --  
GC: H3Y PS11ON1C!  
GC:  W4NT TO PL4Y L3GISL4C3R4TORS 4ND CR1M1N4LS?  
GC: >;]  
TA: hell ye2.  
TA: catch me iif you can rg.  
\-- twofoldAbolitionist [TA] has ceased trolling guiltlessCustodian [GC] --

You hover just out of reach of her cane for the rest of the night.

Round 2 is yours. You didn’t want round one anyway.

\--

She catches you when you least expect it.

To be precise, when you are in the vertically-oriented ablutions chamber, scrubbing your hair and singing to yourself, she handcuffs you to the taps and laughs herself stupid.

She also waves a camera in your face. 

“If I don’t get my cuffs back in working condition, the video I took of you using the shampoo bottle as a microphone goes up on a memo,” she says, looking unaccountably smug.

You try to rescue the situation and offer her the bottle with your free hand. “You’re more than welcome to join me.”

Yeah. There’s just no looking dignified and sexy when you’re squinting so shampoo doesn’t get in your eyes. Redglare wins round three as she skips away, cackling. She doesn’t even bother to close the door.

You lean as far out of the chamber as you can, grab your communicator, and start typing one-handed.

\-- twofoldAbolitionist [TA] has started trolling candidGovernance [CG] --  
TA: 2f  
TA: don’t block me  
TA: you remember how two piick lock2 riight?  
TA: ii’m kiind of handcuffed two the ablutiion2 2priinkler  
CG: ...  
CG has blocked TA.  
TA: oh 2crew you >>:[  
TA: ju2t waiit untiil you want ablutiion2  
TA: then who’ll be 2orry  
\-- twofoldAbolitionist [TA] has ceased trolling candidGovernance [CG] –

\--

You spend the next few nights making Redglare trip over nothing. 

You also set a recording you took of Suf yelling at you and set it as her alarm.

There’s no off button.

You would count this as a victory, but you get woken up by it too. So does everyone else. In the end Sufferer smashes the alarm himself, gives you the disappointed glare, and stomps off to go back to sleep with his fishstick.

Redglare pokes you with her cane and raises her eyebrows.

You shake your head.

She’s still ahead, but she pats you on the shoulder anyway. You check for ink, just in case.

\--

She sits in your lap one day as you’re watching a drama clusterfuck that defies titling. No warning, just, plonk, lap full of legislacerator. You try to watch the screen around her, but she leans into your field of vision until you slump against the back of the seating block and ask, “What?”

“Are you really going to sit around feeling sorry for yourself for the next perigee?” She tilts her head inquisitively. “So he dumped you. You-”

“I what?” You shove her, but she just rocks in your lap. “I detherve it for wanting a kithmethith?”

“I did want to spare you the trial of pronouncing that,” Redglare says, raising an eyebrow. “And I was going to say you’re normally quick to get over this sort of thing. From my knowledge.”

You roll your eyes. Not that she notices. It’s hard to tell. “What elthe have you deduthed from my movementth then, legithlatherator?”

She taps you firmly on the nose with the head of her cane. “’So, how about a threesome?’ isn’t the best way of proposing a stable alliance between you, your hatecrush, and your flushcrush.” When you open your mouth to protest, she donks you a little harder with the cane. “You need to stop playing games, Appleberry.”

“Fine,” you say, surprising her. Before she can react, you pull out her handcuffs ( _un_ exploded, you might add) and lock her wrists together.

She sputters. You fish around in her pockets, find the key, and melt it to slag in front of her.

“To end a game,” you inform her, “thomeone hath to win, and thomeone hath to lothe. Thankth for being a good thport.”

You wander off, hands in pockets. By the time Redglare convinces someone to pick a lock for her, you’ll have plenty of time to get more blackmail material.


End file.
